I will no longer be updating this blog.

I have peered into the abyss and found no rhyme or reason to any of it, no sign of any gods or goddesses at my side to lead me wherever it is I’m supposed to go.

You see, I discovered a past life a few months back.  I was a soldier in the First World War. But far from reinforcing my beliefs, it only challenged them; I never saw the “summerland” and there’s nothing to tell me that there was any will beyond my own involved in the conditions of my current life.  I never saw any clear evidence that the people I love in this life are the same people I loved back in 1915 reincarnated and reunited with me.  I’m the only one from my village, the only one from my regiment, the only one from my family to remember that past life.

More than that, I’m sick to death of people in general, and sick to death at their feeble attempts to understand and control things while letting their own ideas rule them and get so out of hand.

More than that, I saw no evidence that there is any sort of reward or punishment at work here.  I killed in my past life, I slept around in French brothels, I had affairs, I drank, I smoked… and I got reincarnated in a fairly bearable life.  But I died bravely for nothing because there was no reward there.  I suppose someone might argue that it was some kind of karmic equalization but really, you could split hairs all day; what about someone who did more right than wrong and was reborn as an untouchable in India?  Karma is a fool’s conceit.

I hardly get out any more.  I haven’t observed a sabbat since Samhain, nor do I particularly want to.  I see no point in it; we can pray to whatever gods we like, but people will still keep self-destructing all around us.

I’m done here.  I see no more point.  The universe is a swirling void of matter that only randomly becomes people and objects, and people who can’t distinguish between people and objects and think it’s perfectly fine to use living, breathing, thinking people as cannon fodder.

Until I see anything more than random chance influenced to minuscule degrees by free will at work in the universe, I’m no longer happy calling myself a Pagan.

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